5 You Need an Analyst, a Psychoanalyst (I've Got a Little List) - Allan Sherman

+You Need An Analyst

If you’re always stealing goodies from a big department store

You need an analyst, a psychoanalyst

If your pocket’s full of little things you never owned before

You need an analyst, a psychoanalyst

If somebody says «Good morning,» and politely tips his hat

And you frown and say, «I wonder what he really meant by that

If you’re walking down the sidewalk and you won’t step on a crack

You’re afraid if you step on a crack, you’ll break your mother’s back

If you’re at the Philharmonic and you start to do the twist

You need an analyst, a psychoanalyst

(You need an analyst, you need an analyst

We really must insist that you see an analyst.)

If you’re freezing or you’re sweating from imaginary ills

You need an analyst, a psychoanalyst

If it takes an IBM machine to classify your pills

You need an analyst, a psychoanalyst

If you tiptoe into bed and you’re as quiet as a mouse

But the bed you tiptoe into is in someone else’s house

If you have a brand new raincoat, and of it you’re very fond

In fact, you’d rather be alone with it than with a blonde

If you wear your wristwatch on your feet and stockings on your wrist

You need an analyst, a psychoanalyst

(You need an analyst, you need an analyst

We really must insist that you see an analyst.)

If you’re always tearing paper into teeny weeny bits

You need an analyst, a psychoanalyst

If you’ve got a secret closet full of pomegranate pits

You need an analyst, a psychoanalyst

If they ask you what your name is and you answer Bonaparte

If you dig those daffy doodles that are known as modern art

If you’re walking down the street and then you stop to tie your shoes

And you tie them to each other as you hum Saint Louis Blues

Or if you’re forty-six years old and never have been kissed

Go kiss an analyst, a psychoanalyst

(Go kiss an analyst, go kiss an analyst

We really must insist that you kiss an analyst.)

If you’re always having arguments when no one else is there

You need an analyst, a psychoanalyst

And whenever you are angry, if you kick your teddy bear

You need an analyst, a psychoanalyst

If you dream you’ve got a purple dragon next to you in bed

And you wake up and your dragon isn’t purple, it is red

If you eat those little prizes, and you save the Crackerjacks

If you really think they’re ever gonna cut the income tax

You need an analyst

(You need) I need (he needs) we need

Everybody needs an analyst