Cockblock - Amy Schumer

Me and this dude we’re so different

we are

likes he’s real into family and I don’t care

uh

like he didn’t even want to come here this weekend

because he wanted to spend time with his wife

and I feel like

I’m better I’m better ha ha hum

oh gosh

alot of these are jokes

um… it’s a hot town

have you guys ever… you hear the phrase cock blocking?

Look at you — a couples have probabaly — you know your at a bar your talking to

a girl its going really well and what happens?

Her less attractive friend comes over and ruins everything right?

Cock block

Well I have to tell you something guys

I have been the less attractive friend… and you were not cock blocked.

I was following orders from by better looking friend that she did not want to

fuck you

They put so much energy into being mad at her but they should be thanking her

for saving you money cause listen

girls… we… we are whores

like our friends do not hold us back

we will travel, okay?

we will wait

I have taken the morning after pill the night before, do you understand what

I’m saying?

You picking up what I’m putting

girls have two signals with our friends

we have «I'm gonna fuck him» and «help»

Thats it!

Thats it!

I personally I dont use signals Im direct, you know if a guys like

«Can I buy you a shot» I say something clear like

«Thank you so much but I don’t want to hurt the baby»

Uh

I just walk away!

It’s sooo weird but oooh

I make it sound like I’m so slutty… im really not

I’ve only slept with 4 people

and that was a weird night but uh heheheh

oh God

My friends are all whores… we are… we really are

but i have 1 friend shes a virgin

she acts like she so much better than everyone about it

you know

but shes like easily my grossest friend

I think shes saving it for someone who will do it

but uh but no

this is what i do to protect my self esteem you can do it too

I make sure that Im the prettiest of my friends… right?

you can do it too

and surround myself with real reptiles and monsters so I can shine… right?

I have this 1 friend Nikki though she keeps losing weight

I took her out of my phone.

fuck her i dont need her

like you did it to yourself

but i have this — oh ive been friends with this girl forever

her name is Sabina shes absolutely gorgeous

Shes a Ford model

shes dating one of the Nicks likes shes that pretty

and thats one of those names — Sabina — you have to be really pretty to pull off

you know Sabina, Precilla

you cant have a bum knee and a lazy eye and be like

IM SABINA!!!

like were gonna call you Bertha bitch

uh

if youre really hot you can be like Im Gorgonzola

and guys would be like, yeah you are

thats my favorite cheese… uuuugh

guys throw themselves at her

guys never hit on me like that ever

they do too come up to me its always at last call right?

they’re in a full black out you know?

just kinda stumbling like a toddler learning how to walk

pointing at their dick like

HEEEERE

Hey!

Heeeere

im like… ill get us a cab but uh…

its like so could out you know

its so cold

but im really im really not slutty

I was with a guy about a month ago

and uh we didnt have sex because we didnt have a condom

he said no but uh

im like whatever everyone has HPV right?

so

I do you know