Regarding Cricket - Dan Bull

Regarding cricket

The object is not wickets

It’s about who can bring the biggest naval frigate

And although our military has recently diminished significantly, we

Pommies

Will arrive on your shores with the force of a tsunami

So run back to your mommy

Who needs the atomic bomb when you’ve got the Barmy Army?

New age English Tommies

We’re a larger imposing threat

Than that of the Commies

In the 1950s

We’ve beaten the West Indians, Zimbabweans, Namibians

South Africans, Jamaicans and Sri Lankans

And the Pakistanis, who were particularly shoddy

We broke their will like a faulty latex rubber johnny

So I don’t mean to come across as snobby

But an Aussie isn’t something that particularly bothers me

I’m not a bigot

But regarding cricket

I don’t need a ticket

I stay comfy in my armchair

Hidden away like Monty Panesar’s hair

Panesar Panesar Pane Panesar Panesar

Panesar Panesar Pane Panesar

Regarding cricket

Our odds of winning are shorter than a midget

The sum of our runs will come to triple digits

And once we’ve begun, we won’t succumb, we won’t relinquish

Til we’ve ripped this wretched district

Into bits quick, it’s horrific

The skill exhibited will kill your spirit quick

Until it is the integrity of a soaked rich tea biscuit

Once I’ve dipped it

In my tea

Oh, and by the way, I’m also an MC

Ripping the track, taking your ball, never giving it back

One of the best leg spinners to bat in the entire history of rap

I display a way with words that’s patently absurd

I’ve stayed at the top of my game far longer than Dickie Bird, Observe:

I was in Australia on the day the bails were burned

And ever since I’ve yearned for the return of that little urn

It’s a longing, an urge, the wanting of birds and bonking

Disperses into insignificance compared to that one thing

Now allow me to tell you something that I’ve heard

Ricky Ponting’s skills are somewhat wanting in that regard

Regard, regard, regarding cricket

Certain players are depraved and thus they behave in ways illicit

If I drop my trousers and expose my rump, will you kiss it?

For luck

I said if I pull my trousers down and present you my rump, will you kiss it

On the off stump?

Will you kiss it?

(end like this)