Nightmare - Dane Cook

I had this weird dream man

And yanno how you like have a nightmare and it’s so intense

Even your leg tries to wake you up

Your leg’s like

«GET UP!»

Your leg kicks awake.

And you wake up

I- this was the dream right.

I was being chase by a giant crab

It’s not funny.

This huge like 50 foot crab

He was chasing me down a beach and he was doing that

Crab run where he was like… and snapping at me with his little snappers

And he was all night long… he was trucking

He was doing like 100 miles an hour

You know like when you’re bring chased by a killer or a beast?

In the dream they can run as fast as they want but you can’t fucking-

You’re like AH COME ON I CAN’T MOVE

But the fucking crab is like eh… and his eyes were up here and there

Was lighting shooting out of its eyes and he was wearing little loafers or

Something.

I dunno.

Oh my leg just fucking went «GET UP!»

And I woke up for like a second and they I went right back into the fucking

Dream.

Which only happens witha nightmare

You never like wake up like yanno it’s like if you’re having sex with

Cindy Crawford.

Yyou know how you like wake up and you pretend

You’re not awake?

Yanno?

Try to trick yourself

Oh no!

I’m not awake I’m in Cancun with Cindy.

NOOO

But I fell back into the into the dream and the crab was like waiting for me

He was like UGH… And i was like NOT AGAIN!

All night long

And then I woke up and I called my buddy Mike

Yanoo I had to tell somebody like he picks up the phone…

I’m like «Dude I had the weirdest dream last night.»

And he goes all concerned, «What was you dream?»

I go

«I was being chased by a giant crab.»

«What?!

Dude What?!»

All the sudden he’s like hold on and I hear like pages

OK I go dude what are you doing?

I have a dream book

I’m looking up crabs to see what they represent in my dream book

Right so all the sudden he goes like this

«Dude, Crabs!

Hold on Crabs.

Uh crab… um uh it represents…

Dude you’re gay!

That’s why you were running away cuz a crab

Represents sexuality cuz it doesnt know which way you fucking-

And that’s why you ran away.

You were running away from your gayness!»

I said what about the lightning?

Uh emphasizes the gay!

That’s what it says if there’s lighting around the crab you’re super gay

That’s what it says here.

Super gay.

He wasn’t wearing loafers was he?

OH NO!

Cuz that would mean you were mega ultron gay like a super

Hero gay!