Adam Green - Momus

If my name were Howard

I’d dress up in a cummerbund and fez

If my name were Howard

I’d puff all night on funny cigarettes

If my name were Howard

I’d be terrified of getting sucked buck naked down the drain

Into a damp, dark world of flesh-eating spiders

If my name were Howard

I’d have thought of South Park and be rich as Midas

But my name is Adam Green

I was born on Halloween

One more event I could not control or plan

What else can I do

But make my funny cartoons for you?

If my name were Adam

If you hit me with a hammer

I would try to practise passive resistance

But it’s a tricky business

If my name were Adam

Terrible phone fact # 3

You’d spend seven years of your life waiting for a call from me

If my name were Dorothy

I’d be a Baskerville or Parker

Surrounded by the barking of chihuahuas

If my name were Howard

My tattoo would be a working bar code on the palm of my left hand

That I would slide across any and all automated price checkers

But my name is Adam Green

I was born into a scene

Of dullish alpha males with willing consorts

What else can I do

But make my funny cartoons for you?

If my name were Howard

Puppy brains and jism

Two good reasons why you should never let aliens

Prepare your thanksgiving dinner

Puppy brains and jism

Please take a message Miss Brown

I’ve stapled my tie to my tongue

If my name were Ren Hoek

I would dress in bespoke for chihuahuas

But my name is Adam Green

I was born into a scene

Of gibbering roughneck apes and liquorice allsorts

What else can I do

But vent my spleen on wretches like you?

If my name were Franz I would giggle myself stupid

Enjoying my insomnia through the endless Prague nights

If my name were Franz I would wear such tight pants

That people would laugh when I spoke in a funny high voice

I’d dress up in a cummerbund and fez

And my wellington boot would be on the other foot

And my favourite cigarette would be a bergamot cheroot

My cut glass wit, refreshing and elegant, would enliven

Every slightly jaded party

My remarks would be recorded in order by Miss Dorothy Parker