Rakin' the Dead - Plan B

Let me tell you a little something about where I live

This is called Rakin' The Dead

I’m from a place called Forest Gate

Forest Gate is a place without a forest or a gate

There probably used to be but nowadays there ain’t

Shit loads of playing fields called Wanstead Flats and man made lakes

I know this boy called Craig three quarters my age

He always used to go to the Flats to play with his mates

Till one day walking home from school on his lonesome Jays

He stumbled across something strange in the open glade

Now any normal person would know straight away

That what he found that day on the glade was a shallow grave

But not Craig, see, 'cause

Craig is naïve, plus he smokes weed everyday

He thought there was money buried in that grave

So he rushed home quick so he could tell all his mates

He told them he found some disturbed earth on the glade:

«I think there’s money buried there», but they just laughed in his face

So the very next day Craig went over to Wanstead Flats

And showed the grave to his mates

«See I told you I weren’t lying, now what do you say?

Let’s dig this shit up and see what’s there to take»

«Okay», they both said to Craig

Went to a nearby pub, stole two pint glasses and a rake

Went back to the glade like there was no time to waste

Got on their hands and knees and started digging up the grave

Once upon a time there was a boy called Craig

Who found a dead body on the Flats with his mates

Once upon a time there was a boy called Craig

Who found a dead body on the Flats with his mates

It didn’t take Craig and his mates that long to dig up the grave

Even with two pint glasses and a rake

That’s why they’re called shallow graves, 'cause they’re shallow

«Hey, wait, that looked like decomposed bone marrow on your rake»

«What's that?»

replied Craig

«Look man, on the rake»

«What the fuck is that?

Looks like a T-bone steak»

«T-bone steak?

No, more like a lamb shank»

«Ugh, that’s rank man, get it out of my face»

Poor little Craig and his poor little mates

Went digging for treasure but what they found was a grave

«Ahh look, there’s maggots all over the place»

«I haven’t felt this sick since I saw that film Bad Taste»

Craig and his mates were so disgusted they left the two pint glasses there with

the rake and dusted

Called the police, said «Hi, my name’s Craig

I just found a dead body over the Wanstead Flats with my mates'»

Before you could say «Blazin Squad are gay»

The police were on the scene doing forensics on the grave

Interviewing Craig, asking him

«What in God’s name possessed you to go digging up a bloody grave?»

«I didn’t know it was a grave», said Craig

«Didn't even cross my mind»

«So what exactly did you expect to find?»

Replied the police officer in such a suspecting way

That Craig got scared and didn’t know what to say

He had a frog in his throat and he started to shake

He was sweating so much, drops of sweat were dripping of his face

The policeman saw this as a perfect time for interrogation

Looked at Craig and said: «Right, I’m taking you down to the station»

Once upon a time there was a boy called Craig

Who found a dead body on the Flats with his mates

Once upon a time there was a boy called Craig

Who found a dead body on the Flats with his mates

«Right, state your name and where you live for the tape»

«My name’s Craig, I live in Forest Gate»

«That's good, that’s really good, no really, you’re doing great

Now, next question, tell me how old are you mate?»

«17?!

Cor blimey what can I say?

Don’t look it, still you must just be short for your age

All that ganja smoke couldn’t have helped either though could it mate?»

«What?»

«Come on Craig, I weren’t born yesterday

And by the looks of it mate, you’ve been smoking since you was 8

Let’s be honest, if you was any shorter you’d be a midget mate

It must be hard to live with, it must be hard to take

It’s not you’re fault you’re short, still no other cunt’s gonna see it that way»

«I'm sorry officer, I really don’t know what you’re trying to say»

«I'm just saying you must get bullied everyday

That’s why you killed that poor sod and put him in that grave»

«What?»

«HE TOOK THE PISS OUT OF YOU, DIDN’T HE CRAIG?»

«Nooo, nooo» «DIDN'T HE, MATE?»

Once upon a time there was a boy called Craig

Who found a dead body on the Flats with his mates

Once upon a time there was a boy called Craig

Who found a dead body on the Flats with his mates

Poor Craig, what could he say?

He was now a suspect in a fucking full blown murder case

Tears were streaming down his face

«How much longer is this going to take?

Please get me out of this place»

«I've done nothing wrong, I only found the remains

I didn’t kill the guy I swear to god I’m innocent ask my mates!»

The copper had him right where he wanted him ready to break

The only thing was the murderer wasn’t Craig

And of course the copper knew this, he was just playing games

So when he saw that Craig had pissed himself he had to call it a day

«Look, I know you didn’t kill the guy so I’m not going to do you for that,

Craig»

«Oh thank god»

«But I am going to do you for stealing that rake»

«What?»

«Nah, only pulling your leg go on, scarper»