There Must Be a Pill for This - Ray Stevens

I was sittin' in a bathtub in the middle of the woods

When I looked over to see a beautiful woman in another bathtub Sittin' right

next to me

As our hands reached out and our fingers met I said to myself, Hey self,

I’ll bet

Right here is something I don’t went to miss And I’ll bet there’s a pill for

this

Oh there must be a pill for those times When you want to feel fully alive

But you’re not quite sure if you’re up to the job When that moment does arrive

But I’ve been told time and again That misery can turn to bliss

Whatever ill is ailing you Well, there’s gotta be a pill for this

If your heart can’t beat or your eyes can’t see Or your ears can’t hear and

your mind ain’t free

If your nose is runny and your lips can’t kiss There must be a pill for this

You have trouble eating or gaining weight Wake up too early or sleep too late

If there’s temptation you need to resist There’s gotta be a pill for this

If you lose your hair, or lose your keys Or your legs are shaky and you need

new knees

Ask anyone and they’ll insist There’s a pill for this

If you can’t go or you go too much Can’t catch your breath or you’ve lost your

touch

If your mind is foggy and you’re in a mist There’s a pill for this

If you’re in a crowd when the big urge hits Or your back or your front is

givin' you fits

There’s a guaranteed solution so don’t be remiss There’s always a pill for this

And if your Vevo-Valveetas have a fever And you’re swollen up and there’s no

relief for

Your bones that have grown so your clothes don’t fit Well there’s a pill for

this

Oh there’s a pill to cure any woe They’ll speed you up fast or slow you down

slow

If you’re out of control and you’re in a mess Well, there’s a pill for this

Yes, friends, there’s a pill for everything but you must be informed that there

are possible

Side effects that may include fever, blisters, headaches, insomnia, lethargy,

geography,

Algebra, diabetes, heart attacks, gangrene, terrorist attacks, rattlesnake bite,

voting

Irregularities, constipation, aggravation, a burning sensation, a troubled

nation, a bad

Vacation, precipitation or the lack thereof.

Well there’s bad news but the good news is

That whatever’s on your list

You can turn misery into bliss

Cause there’s a pill for this

Now, was there water in them bathtubs?

I didn’t see no soap or towels.

And how about

A bath mat.

I don’t want to get out of a tub in the middle of the woods in my

bare feet.

And what about a sink to shave and brush your teeth?

I didn’t see any of those

and you

Can’t just take a pill — you’ve got to shave too!

And where does she plug in

her hair dryer?

A woman ain’t gonna get out of a bath tub without a hair dryer.

And where’s the

spigots

In case I need some more hot water.

I don’t like sittin' around in a tub of

cold water.

And wouldn’t cold water offset the effects of that pill they’re talking about?

— Huh?

Let me tell you something.

I don’t know who comes up with these things but they need

To use a little more common sense!

They need to have a little more practical experience!

You know what I’m sayin'?

Huh?

Huh?