A Letter to Santa - Bob Rivers

Dear Santa Claus

It has been brought to my attention by one of our operatives that you have

secured for yourself, and your interests, a very lucrative position in the toy

and game industry.

Normally, my associates and I would not involve ourselves in

child-exploitation schemes such as yours.

However, it is quite clear to us that

you have over-stepped your bounds and are coming into my family’s territories.

That I cannot let you do

Mr. Claus, we’ve known each other for many years, and we have no problem with

your operations in the North Pole.

But, uh, Consigliere tells me that you have

expanded your deliveries to the entire south side, most of the north side,

and everywhere but the Jewish neighborhoods

I understand, Mr. Kringle, that you and I share many interests.

We both make

lists.

We both know who’s been naughty and who’s been nice.

Have I mentioned,

that, uh, red is also my favorite color?

This year when you make your rounds,

I hope you’ll take time stop by the house for a cup of coffee and some cookies,

so that, uh, we can discuss an offer I know you can’t refuse.

I know how much

you like cookies.

I am sure you will do this thing I ask out of respect,

but I would be remiss if I did not remind you of the tragic demise of our

mutual friend and confidant, Frosty T. Snowman.

I regret that it was necessary

to teach Frosty a lesson

Sincerely, and with warmest wishes for you and the lovely Mrs. Claus

Don

P.S

It would be most unfortunate for you to wake up one morning to find the heads

of eight tiny reindeers in bed with you.

I am sure you are a reasonable man,

and this will not be necessary